silvermancer a.k.a. Rei. I sloth my entire day doing nothing but FUN things which i think they are with a main purpose to solely entertain myself. Like all, I have my temperaments which are pretty bizarre at times..hmm..perhaps most of the time, eh? ahaha. And I'm feeling 
TickTockTickTock  RockyRock candyTalks fellow Potatoes Pings NuclearDust TheRealZurachas Erlynda UsagiIncidents Mel Dahling JerJerJer Memento Fresh026 Treasure Pig&Bear DevilPeng JarJar Elaine Jaryn Warii Rhea Elculiart archives January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 June 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 April 2010 May 2010 music credits skin by: Jane edited by: silvermancer |
Sunday, November 22, 2009 @ 13:54
run rei run with an unsound mind..there are two things for me to click and i wonder which and should i not...reminiscence of the golden sapphire sends tremors of chills to my spine...im falling from my glory of crown...to the netherlands i become...i ponder...and ponder... i just want to run ... for all the things that i fought for ... i spent my entire life of 22 years fighting against the many wills of ppl to drag me into living their lives n dreams... i have my own...n i will do anything to get what i want even if it means hurting myself and risking a lil..the rewards reap is fullfilling...im a very determined person and to achieve what i want...i close the door to my heart...i close myself from everything and anything that could hurt me and bring my walls down...i was afraid...of losing myself...of losing control on what i am able to do... i've triumph in many of these events...n came out champion..thats how i lead my life till now...everything planned out...everything runnig smoothly as what i want...to give me what i want... till i met him... emotions swarm over me like never b4 ...it was wild and a whirlwind...i loved him...too much i realised. i thought of doom and giving up at 1st as it will be in my way..but i found way sto deal with it...why not kill 2 birds with 1 stone...i was greedy...and i was feeling rather bold. why cant i have both loved and success? why... forced to choose and choose n choose...and with constant nagging...i;ve reach my limit. im at my peak...i've reahc a point which i just wnat to give up everything...im tired...very tired..of this cycle... we had a big fight yesterday...our first and hopefully our last...over small minal things..hwich i can easily solved it...but as human nature calls..he's one though cookie. there. i got my wish. a guy on the same par as me. more to say....more on a higher note than me. i panicked and stunned. n i donnt what to do. for the 1st time i actually cried over an argument and cried badly over a talk. like a kid i plea and all..it cut me through when it falls on deaf ears...yes...im looking at him...like looking at myself in a mirror.... i was beyond my sound mind...my door is closing...my heart is hidin behind the wall...my voice is gone...i look into the distance empty spaced with tears rolling down my eyes...till he holds me and calls out to me...took me awhile to have the strength back to answer him.. i was lost. i have lost. i've lost... my ego tells me to hold on to it...future are unknown...anything can happend. you step into this knowing well that you are taking a big gamble. i throw away so many things to have 2 things in my life...my dream job and the man that i love so much. i had them all...it was worth it. but its reflection shown yesterday...kills me. i no longer want anything. i dont know what to choose. i dont know wat to do. my investment just goes off like that...im right now...in a state of an unsound mind...im burn out...from fighting for things hat i want....im tired of chasing dreams...im tired of loving you so badly...im tired of fending off those ppl who wants to take away my dreams...im tired... i've not a single energy left...i just want to run... with this good luck charm chopstick that i tied for you... may this be the last time i cried for you... may this be the last blood i bleed for you... may today;s brunch be my last cooking for you... may this song i sang be the last song i will sing to you... may this kiss be the last kiss i give to you... may this huggles and cuddles be the last warmth i share with you... may this memory today be the last to be locked away.... i declare you...to leave... leave... leave....i cant... i dont want to...not that i cant...but i dont want to. all this feelings...all thsi words...all the time and effort i've invested...is eating me up slowly and gradually will devour all of me...and one day...like you say...when the real final blow actually came...i might not be able to take it by then. i night just be blown off so badly that im back to my old self...hiding in the dark empty space in my mind...emotionless... i just want to run..and run...and run...and i will run... i dont feel like waking you up now for my selfish self... dear...please dont leave me. please dont... go... *sobz* Labels: thoughts: heart to heart Mitsuketa! ♥ silvermancer |