silvermancer a.k.a. Rei. I sloth my entire day doing nothing but FUN things which i think they are with a main purpose to solely entertain myself. Like all, I have my temperaments which are pretty bizarre at times..hmm..perhaps most of the time, eh? ahaha. And I'm feeling 
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Tuesday, March 22, 2005 @ 05:48
...guidiance from above... "where is the love'...song by black eye peas...was answer yesterday in my case...not a direct answer were given but guidiance were sent down to earth, not by a messanger but by HE, himself. :) having HIM to personaly answer all my doubts to all my questions of years of pain in just not less than half-an-hour, makes me feel that...somewhere in this world there is still hope, love and there is still souls who can accept people's mistakes and who can realy accept people who are trying their best to change for the better. all these people need was just guidiance from above, to make them feel that their effort are much aware and that they are not left out in this world by the beings of the surrounding as these people are hard to be accepted by their own kind. *sigh~~~*...their effort to change was usually taken as a matter of laughter from their own kind...which makes their life miserable...makes them feel useless and no where to go, no 1 to turn to, lost trust and confident just because they feel so guilty to live as they do not feel the acceptance by their own kind. these kind of people are usually left hangging by themsleves...wondering alone what have gone wrong and why is it so hard for people to accept them especially when thay wanted to change to a better person???....hai~~~`life~~~....some to the extend canot take it anymore...results?...death...suicide... but how many people are shown the right way to free themselves from this, although its just temporary...guess, i must have lots of good karma in the past...but didn't i realise it...i dun have pretty mush of it in this life...sigh~~~...i was hinted by 2 divine beings, i guess...2 days ago poh sa told me that if something were ever to happened, i must be steady...realy steady...then yesterday, dad's master told me that i gotta have all those basic suttas in my head, (well, its been a very long time since i continued chanting)...most of all i gotta uphold the 5/8 precepts. he repeated that twice i think...and it makes me wonder have i not uphold any of the precepts???...well, since HE mentioned that more than once HE must have his reasons. come to think of it...HE's right...i never uphold my precepts properly...some even dated back years ago when i was a kid...i was very rebelious to my parents and other people since the birth of my lil sis untill now, but i'm not as bad as last time but still rebellious (HE reminded me 4 not to be a anak derhaka)...ehhehe.....as i get older, i shut myself out from the outside world and retreat to fantasy land...(HE told me to always be mindfull on what im doing in other words dont dream alot...ehhehe)...my temper was x-treamly hot!...though i never voice out how i feel...but it was killing me from the inside...once again its the factor that makes me to retreat from people...dad always tell me that watever happens, seek your own fault...told me since i was a kid till now...so i often blame myself on watever happens, which makes me feel useless...once again i kept everything to myself...and i don't trust people easily...not even my parents...ehheehe...people often betray me so i dun wana care about them...things gotten worst and i gotta tell white lies...white lies or not, its still a lie...and i drink... and lots more precept i had break...hai~~~...this is what i whisper in my heart...HE seems to hear it and tell me with understanding that whenever i feel so down and lame inside, i should chant itipiso :)...niway...HE also stressed that metta sutta is very grand and very helpfull in all time of needs...hai~~~`...even tell me not to be lazy and dont bathe too long...ehheheheh...lol...nyway....i'm very sleepy now...gonna slack on job again...hohohoho... Mitsuketa! ♥ silvermancer |